You love your husband. You enjoy his company, trust him, and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. But when it comes to sex? You could take it or leave it—and honestly, most of the time, you’d rather leave it.
It’s confusing, right? Why does the desire just… not show up?
👉 “I want to want him, but I don’t know if I’ll get in the mood.”
👉 “I miss feeling that spark, but I have no idea how to get it back.”
👉 “What if something is wrong with me?”
You’re not broken. You’re not alone. And most importantly, this doesn’t mean you love him any less.
With more than 20 years of experience helping couples navigate mismatched libidos, I’ve found three key factors that often play a role in losing desire.
- Your mind …
- Whatever #2 is
- Whatever #3 is
Let’s take a closer look at what’s happening—and what you can do about it.
- Your Mind Is Just Too Busy for Desire.
Desire doesn’t just live in your body—it starts in your mind. And if your mind is constantly juggling to-do lists, worries, and responsibilities, there’s little space left for sexual thoughts even to exist.
Picture this:
It’s 9:30 PM. You’ve spent the entire day answering emails, attending meetings, handling the kids, cooking dinner, and ensuring everyone else is cared for. Finally, you sink into the couch, phone in hand, scrolling mindlessly to decompress.
Your husband sits beside you, gives you that look, and suddenly… you feel tension.
Not excitement. Not anticipation. Just pressure.
And then the thoughts come:
👉 “I’m so tired. I just want to be left alone.”
👉 “I don’t have the energy for this.”
👉 “All I want is to fall asleep.”
What’s really happening?
Your brain is still in problem-solving mode. And when it’s stuck there, it’s nearly impossible to shift into a state of desire or pleasure—it requires time and intention.
3 Simple Steps to Start Reigniting Desire & Pleasure Today.
✅ Give your brain permission to transition. Instead of expecting yourself to go from exhausted to turned on instantly, create small moments to reconnect with yourself first—like taking a bath, reading, or simply unwinding before bed.
✅ Make intimacy feel like a break, not another task. If sex feels like an obligation, of course, you’ll resist it. Instead, explore ways to make intimacy feel relaxing—like a slow massage, playful touch, or just lying together with no expectation of more.
✅ Start seeing sex as self-care. What if intimacy wasn’t something you had to do but something that actually nourished you? When sex feels like a way to recharge rather than another demand, desire has space to return naturally.
- You Feel More Like Roommates Than Lovers
You love each other, but sometimes your relationship feels more like a well-run business than a romance.
Your daily conversations sound like:
✔ “What time is the soccer game?”
✔ “Did you pay the water bill?”
✔ “Can you grab some milk on your way home?”
By the end of the day, you’re both drained. You sit on opposite ends of the couch, watching TV, maybe exchanging a few words. There’s no arguing, no tension—just distance.
You might think:
💭 “I love him, but I don’t feel that spark anymore.”
💭 “We’re great partners, but don’t feel like lovers.”
💭 “I don’t even know how to get back to that place.”
My Advice as a Sex therapist to Start Rebuilding Intimacy Today:
Rekindling desire isn’t about grand gestures—it’s about creating space for intimacy in the small moments daily.
✅ Break the Routine. Shake things up. A little novelty goes a long way. Swap TV time for a sunset walk, try a new restaurant, or plan something unexpected—small changes can bring fresh energy into your connection.
✅ Touch More—Without Expectation. A kiss that lingers for a few seconds, holding hands just because, or a hug that lasts a little longer are small, intentional gestures that rebuild physical closeness without pressure.
✅ Talk About Something Other Than Logistics. Go beyond schedules and responsibilities. Ask each other something different—”What’s been exciting you lately?” “What’s something I used to do that made you feel loved?” These simple shifts can help bring back that emotional connection.
- Sex Feels Like an Obligation Instead of a Desire
Somewhere along the way, sex stopped being something you looked forward to and started feeling like something you should do.
It feels like:
✔ A box to check off
✔ A way to avoid guilt
✔ A source of pressure instead of pleasure
You might catch yourself thinking:
💭 “I should want this.”
💭 “He will be frustrated if I say no again.”
💭 “I’ll just do it to make him happy.”
But forcing yourself into sex when you don’t honestly want it? That only builds resentment and makes intimacy feel more like a chore and a source of pressure than a connection.
What’s really happening?
Desire doesn’t respond well to pressure. If sex feels like an obligation rather than something you genuinely want, your body will naturally resist it.
Taking the Pressure Off: Simple Ways to Rekindle Intimacy
When intimacy feels safe, pressure-free, and enjoyable again, desire has the space to return naturally.
✅ Take sex off the table—for now. Instead of pushing yourself into it, shift the focus to physical closeness in ways that feel good—cuddling, kissing, or touching without expecting it to lead somewhere.
✅ Reframe your mindset. Instead of asking, “Do I feel like having sex?” (which might always be a no if you’re exhausted), try asking, “What would feel good to me right now?” That slight shift can help open the door to intimacy again.
✅ Communicate openly. Let your husband know that saying no isn’t rejection—it’s about finding your way back to pleasure together.
You’re Not Broken—And This Can Be Fixed
Not wanting sex doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband. It just means something deeper is getting in the way—stress, routine, emotional disconnection, or pressure.
The good news? Your desire isn’t gone—it’s just buried. And with the right approach, you can uncover it again.
Steps to Start Rebuilding Desire Today
❤️ Prioritize emotional closeness. Take time to connect as partners, not just co-managers of life.
❤️ Take the pressure off. Shift the focus from “having sex” to “feeling connected and enjoying each other.”
❤️ Make small shifts. Little changes—like more affectionate touch, breaking out of routines, or opening up honest conversations—can reignite intimacy.
❤️ Be patient with yourself. Desire doesn’t return overnight, but intimacy can feel natural again with time, attention, and the right mindset.
You Don’t Have to Figure This Out Alone
If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone and don’t have to navigate this alone.
As a sex and couples therapist, I help individuals and partners break through intimacy challenges, rebuild connection, and bring pleasure back into their relationships—without guilt, pressure, or unrealistic expectations.
If intimacy feels like a struggle and you’re not sure how to move forward, sex therapy can help. Together, we can:
✔ Identify what’s blocking desire
✔ Learn how to talk about intimacy without guilt or pressure
✔ Rebuild connection in ways that feel natural and enjoyable
If you’re ready to stop feeling stuck and start feeling connected again, let’s talk. Intimacy should be something you enjoy—not something you stress about.
And let’s take the first step toward a more fulfilling, intimate relationship.